Cut the Shit

Noreaster my Butthole

I was specifically told by my local weather men that there was a huge Noreaster blowing into town yesterday. I spent much of the day online, tracking the storm, wishing and praying that the University at which I work would shut down for the day. I watched both the 6 o’clock and 11 o’clock news in hopes that I would see my school’s name scroll across the television screen. No such luck, but my ever trusty news people told me to wake up bright and early for any updated closings.

I had such a hard time sleeping last night as I thought about the possibilities of what to do with my snow day. Paul tossed and turned and I stared at the ceiling fantasizing about a Tuesday all to myself. I could make a nice breakfast, watch Ellen, check in on Jerry Springer, jerk off 30 or 60 times, and maybe even look up some audition information on the computer.

Promptly at 6:30am, my inner clock went off and I jumped out of bed to have a cigarette. I sat in front of the news with my nuts crossed for good luck.

N O T H I N G about my school showed up.

I stamped out my cigarette and went back to bed. Around 7:45am, I got back up and lit my second cigarette of the morning. The grand total of closed schools and universities in the New York City area totaled 379. Was mine closed? FUCK NO!

As I sat on the toilet taking my morning dump, I thought back on the days when I was in college, located in Upstate New York. Not only were snow days common there, they were expected. We would get a foreboding forecast and all of us would stay up late drinking or hanging out, knowing full well that classes would be cancelled the following day. We would all wake up early to check out the local news and more often than not, the schools were closed (then again we would get like 2 feet of snow an hour). My housemates would put on the coffee, I’d pack up a bowl (of marijuana, not Total you dumbys), and we’d watch as much morning television as we could stomach. Some time around noon, we would order subs or go to McDonald’s and then put in a movie. The day would be filled with card games and laughter, loud music, and absolute chaos. It was one of the best times of my life.

Now that I’m older and somewhat of an adult, we don’t get snow days like we used to and that sucks my dick head. But not in a good way. I got showered and dressed this morning lamenting my adult existence. Why have these happy, care-free days of college gone away? Why does one have to get older? Why does NYC not close down when there is a supposed Noreaster blowing our faces off? And most importantly, why am I not sitting at home, on my couch, living the life of no responsibilities luxury?